The Wild Life Of Arthur Kirkland
by Far2DeepInFandoms
Summary: Some of England's ex-colonies decide to give a surprise visit to England, expecting yelling and badly burnt food. Not expecting to be told about their ex- caregiver's sex life. Rated 'M' for mentions of sex and swearing. Also, Canada gets noticed and America is bullied.
1. Chapter 1

Hello, Everyone! This is my first fanfic on this beautifully strict website and I'm sorry if the chapters appear short, I'm not very good at writing long chapters. Or long stories but I promise not to leave this fic unfinished.

Reviews are appreciated.

 **Chapter One.**

"Don't worry, dudes!" America glances at Seychelles, "And dudette! I will save you all from Iggy's cooking so come with me!" The rest of the gathered nations roll their eyes at the statement.

"Lies.." Only Canada hears Hong Kong's remark and tries to hide a smile, not that it would be noticed.

Not when your (younger) brother bursts down the door to their former care taker's home. Various sighs echo Canada's own.

The smell of pastries met them as they walk into the house causing the nations to share confused glances.

That wasn't an odd thing, honestly. England likes cooking, much to everyone's dismay and will bake or cook something for them when someone told him they would be coming over to visit.

But what has gotten them worried is the fact they can smell pastries. They can smell deliciousness in the house. That there is a sweet aroma in the house.

They can't smell something burning. There isn't smoke filling the air. There aren't ashy smells of coal filling the air and suffocating them. They don't have to worry about what they have to eat because they smell pastries. Not coal.

"Umm, do you think we're in the wrong house?" Australia asks.

"No. There aren't any surrounding houses, remember? Arthur's house is in front of a forest." Grumbles Seychelles. Australia had lost her jar of pickled fished and she had been dragged from her home. She had made sure that she gave the Australian a good beating and is satisfied every time she sees the pinkish bump on his head.

"I don't think there is any need to worry, maybe France managed to teach him how to cook." New Zealand says calmly, looking at everyone's faces, but freezing when he sees Hong Kong's disbelieving face.

Well, he thinks it's a look of disbelief.

"Mr France teaching mu- I mean- Mr England how to cook?" The Asian nation asks, eyebrows raised. Okay, so it is a look of disbelief.

"Yeah, somehow." New Zealand responds. It's possible, right?

"Without Mr England killing him?" He is fighting a losing argument but, luckily, a noise from the kitchen interrupts them before New Zealand can say anything to defend himself.

"Well, follow the Hero, dudes and dudette!"

"YO, IGGY-"

'What's that idiot doing here?' Wales thinks as he looks at the nation that dares to interrupt their weekly Let's-Annoy-England get together and the others following him.

Sealand gives a small huff from beside him and Wales smiles to himself, knowing his opinion is shared with his brothers.

It was bad enough that France, Prussia and Spain already interrupted their weekly Let's-Annoy-England get together and that they are eating the food baked for them ( _them_ , goddamnit!) but having the American, unfortunately, join them is testing his anger.

The boy steals all the attention.

He sees North and Ireland rolling their eyes at countries who stare at the goods laid out on the table in front of them with open, gobsmacked mouths.

"Aye, the lad can bake, shut yer mouths. Ya look like idiots." Scotland huffs from next to Ireland. "Except from you two, Aye like you two." He motioned to Hong Kong and Seychelles. All of the brothers had a favourite. Ireland's is Australia (Ireland being the cause of Australia's mischievous behaviour), North's New Zealand and Wales' being Canada.

New Zealand ignores the comment, unlike his brother and America who looked very offended, instead choosing to ask;

"Since when did you cook good, mum?"

"I'm not your mum! And I always could cook good, thank you very much!" England says.

"No you didn't," Ireland says and England turns to him, hands on his hips.

"Then what, pray tell, do you call this?!" He asks his older brother.

"Deliciousness." England opens his mouth to argue but Northern Ireland speaks up before another argument could break out.

"What he means is, dear brother, is that you can bake, not cook."

"That still doesn't explain how mum," England's spluttering was ignored, "Always fucks up _baking_ for us," Australia says, confused.

"None, of your business!" England blushes, "Keep asking and you won't get any."

"Wait! So we can try some?!" Seychelles asks, taking a seat next to France.

"Yeah, sure." England shoots apologetic glances towards his brothers, before jumping, as if remembering something.

"I've got a meeting with the Queen and Parliament, so I've got to get going." Scotland, North, Ireland, Wales and the ex-colonies all groan. England immediately feels bad.

"I'm sorry, but it's important... I hope." England hugs and kisses his brothers before taking the frilly apron off, punching France for the smack to his butt and leaving.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

The unwanted nations sat uncomfortably in the Kirkland family's living room, avoiding the eyes of five (four, because Sealand looks adorable like a small, upset kitty) enraged and irritated men.

Except for America, who was busy touching things England would tell him not to and then go mad when he America ignores him and continues touch it.

The poor child couldn't read the mood even if it hit him in the face with a cricket bat on fire.

"Mon Cher-"

"Shut it, Frenchie." Ireland snaps.

France shut his mouth, not wanting to anger the nation who already looked like he was planning to murder them all in 50 different ways anymore.

"But, seriously, dude! How does Arthur know how to cook! He's a boring old man who sucks at cooking nearly as badly as he sucks cock, I bet!" America jokes but frowns when a silence falls upon the room.

"Well, like we said before, Bunny knows how to bake, not cook..." North says, trailing off awkwardly, causing the inhabitants of the room to fall into another silence.

"England isn't bad at sucking dick, kesesese."

The brothers turned their glare towards Prussia. Daring him to continue. Which he did, as if he has a death wish.

"Vhat?! You know it's true!"

"Gilbert's telling the truth, Inglaterra is great in bed." Spain pipes in, munching on a tomato, 'And anywhere else,' Spain thinks.

"You're joking!" America yells.

"We're not, Estados Unidos," Spain said, highly amused by America's reactions.

"Shut up, he's telling the truth." Scotland murmurs when America opened his mouth to protest, a pout on his face.

He'd rather not talk about how good his baby brother is in bed, thank you very much.

"Kesese, is that-"

"Say anything and I'll cut yer." Scotland hears Prussia and his younger brothers snicker behind him and glare at them, immediately shutting them up.

"What do you mean, 'he's telling the truth?! How would you know?!" America asks. Wales decides to speak up when none of his brothers do.

"We've had, uh, sex with him." He says, knowing the reactions he'd receive from America and Australia won't be very nice.

"YOU'VE WHAT?!" Even the other ex-colonise and Sealand, who had been silently watching the scene in both amusement and horror, looked shocked and disgusted at the fact.

"..Had sex with Arthur." Says Wales.

"He's your brother!" New Zealand finally speaks up.

"It was normal at the time!"Ireland defends his brothers and himself.

"You still do it," Spain says cheerily.

"We're married!" Northern Ireland speaks up this time, not bothering asking him how he knows. He's friends with France after all.

"He's not." Prussia points at Ireland, realising his mistake too late.

"Oh, shit, I'm sorry! WEST, SAVE YOUR AWESOME BRUDER!" He yells as he gets chased around the mansion. Somewhere, Germany sneezes as he chases Italy.

"THAT'S ENOUGH! We ain't talking about our baby brother's sex life with you!" Scotland shouts, storming off to his room, the rest of the Kirkland family (minus Sealand, poor lad is in shock) following him.

"Anyways, États Unis, if you want to know more, you can ask us three or our darling Canadian."

"PAPA!" Canada shouts, horrified, the same time everyone else shouts;

"CANADA!" The maple obsessed nation winces and shrinks back into his seat.

"Ooo~ That's cruel, Frenchie," Prussia smirks. Spain smile turns into a smirk.

* * *

"He prefers to bottom, though he doesn't mind topping," Frances says.

"The most he topped was during his punk days I think," Prussia says. Spain shakes his head in disagreement.

"I think it's actually during his pirate days."

"Make it stop..." Whimpers Canada."

"Shut it, you're the one who also fucked him." Australia hisses.

"Stop holding that against me!" Canada glares back as the three oldest nations in the room carry on talking about _it_. They had been over powered (thanks to the super strength the author granted the BTT) and tied together in the living room to listen to the stories of England's sex life.

The only one who wasn't too disgusted was Seychelles. The fan girl (she hated that side of her sometimes) within her rose and decided to take notes to share with the other girls and Poland.

"I managed to get a video of his time with Switzerland, too!" France claims, proud of himself.

"Oh, can I have a copy, papa? For Liechtenstein?" Seychelles asks.

"Of course," France pats her head as he gives her a copy from God knows where.

"How did you get into Switzerland and make a video, anyway?" New Zealand asks, confused. Switzerland would have shot him-

"I disguised myself as cheap cheese." Oh.

* * *

"Prussia," France says.

"Vhat?!"

"I've been meaning to ask you..."

"Hurry up!"

"D-did Germany actually get England to take a dog-"He is cut off by a hamburger and tomato thrown at his face. He looks at the nations who supposedly threw the respective foods at his face, knowing he had the culprits by the horrified looks on their faces, everyone else also has horrified expressions but the two nation also have their arms outstretched in a throwing position.

"MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!" He screeches.

"Don't you dare finish that sentence, Francis, or I will end you." America seethes, Spain nodding his head in agreement.

"I agree, even if you're my amigo and I love you, I will help America in destroying you." Spain threatened.

"Umm, mates? I think we should worry about Gilbert right now. I think you broke him" Said (ex) nation was currently in a corner of the room, clutching his heart, pure terror shown on his face.

"Oh, merde, I'm so sorry Gil!" France and Spain hurry towards their friend.

"Mein... Mein Bruder would do no such thing!" He sobs. "He's small, innocent and cute and adorable!" The nations in the room all rolled their eyes. If small, cute and adorable translates into 'tall,' 'sexy' and 'muscular,' then yes he is small, cute and adorable.

And 'innocent.' He's dating Italy, for God's sake!

* * *

 **(With the Kirkland brothers)**

Scotland, the twins and Wales are playing Mario Cart when Wales suddenly pauses the game.

"HEY! I was about to kick Alistair's arse!" Ireland yells, punching his twin in the gut when he snickers.

"Where's Peter?" Wales asks, ignoring the fighting twins. "Shit." Scotland whispers.


End file.
